“How are you?”
If you’re from the United States, you know that this phrase just means, “Hello!”
If you’re not from the United States, it can be jarring and baffling. Why do people ask this question, if they don’t really care? Eventually, newcomers to the USA realize that this phrase conveys a warm and friendly rather than a cold or tepid greeting. That’s all.
“How are you?” demonstrates how easily misunderstandings can show up. It’s also an example of how language reflects what’s important to a culture. “How are you?” reflects a jovial hospitality valued by many US-Americans. Once upon a time, perhaps most Americans converged in their values and followed the norms of a mainstream culture. Perhaps we basically agreed on what was good and right in the world, and we all got along – more or less.
Those days (if they existed) are over. We now live in a delicate time, fragmented into wounded sub-cultures that are increasingly at odds with one another. I know that’s putting it mildly.
As each of us identifies with our chosen sub-cultures, we think we’re clear about the values we stand for. But we’re not at all clear about how common words and phrases have drastically diverged among our fractured tribes. Words are steeped with the assumptions and worldviews of a particular group. When we are all part of the same culture, there’s no misunderstanding – we “get” what the other person is saying. We know what the words mean.
These days, we use the same words but they hold vastly different meanings. They become “loaded” for some and not at all for others. I might say something, but you hear something else entirely, and vice versa.
Take, for example, the word “progressive.” Over time, this word has become equated with “liberal” and it gets conflated with “enlightened.” The liberally-minded person might comment, “I support progressive policies,” but that implies that conservative views are backward, regressive, and unenlightened. To subvert that meaning, conservatives might use the word “progressive” to refer to policies they believe are nonsensical. Just what are we talking about anyway?
Enough politics. My interest is the workplace, where politics do happen to show up. More and more, the hidden complexities of words are surfacing as a result of past and present differences in our politics and culture. Ultimately, this might be an opportunity to forge better understanding between groups, but not without slip-ups and trip-ups in the meantime.
Let me share a few words whose nuanced meanings have surprised me this year:
Boundary
= a recognition of what’s good and not good for me. When I create “a healthy boundary,” I honor myself and don’t over-commit to things.
=a buffer zone to peacefully co-exist in spite of differing values or beliefs. If we can, we stretch that boundary through contact, by getting to know each other.
= a line of ownership. I own this side. You own that side. Don’t cross the line – we don’t cooperate or negotiate. Boundaries delineate territories, which are disputed and conquered.
A Native American colleague of mine pointed out this third meaning to me. I was amazed, because I was only aware of Meanings #1 and #2.
Collaboration
= working together to create something new, while respecting and honoring what each side has to offer
= giving in to or conspiring with one’s enemy or adversary
A European friend highlighted this second meaning because of its association with World War II. Some family members were “collaborators” who acceded to the demands of an occupying force so that they could be safe. They were vilified by “resistors” who blew up bridges and hid in the mountains and waited the war out.
Compromise
= meeting in the middle, sacrificing something to receive something else in return, maintaining harmony
= sacrificing my integrity and values to reach an agreement that no one likes, as in, “I won’t compromise what I believe in, just to appease this group.”
For some, compromise is a necessary precondition to achieve a common goal or reach peace. For others, it’s a dirty word signifying defeat.
Inclusion
= an attempt to ensure that all people are welcome, everywhere
= an attempt to enforce an ideology, resulting in the exclusion of those who don’t subscribe to that ideology
This has become a loaded term in recent years, driven by many ironies causing strife in the workplace. What’s inclusive for some is peer pressure for others. Ill-conceived and poorly-executed DEI strategies drive a false sense of inclusion.
Safety
= a set of conditions where people can be themselves without fear of physical or psychological harm, and without negative consequences to their reputation and status
= avoidance of natural adversities and real-world dangers, leading to excessive coddling and fragility
Like “inclusion,” “safety” has become recently loaded and soured for some people. What I call “psychological safety” in some circles, I call “speaking up freely” elsewhere. Safety has become a complicated weapon in our culture wars.
Which meanings resonate for you? Which ones surprise you? Have you encountered other connotations to these words?
When we speak, we are naturally unaware of the assumptions we’re bringing into the room. No problem when we share assumptions and worldviews! But when they don’t align with others, conversations can get juicy and interesting and deep. Lately, it’s easy to avoid conversations. We hide. Instead of learning about each other, maybe even trading recipes and music from time to time, we’re locked in our lonely bedrooms in the boarding house of human diversity.
We can crack open our doors by venturing some questions. When you see a shadow fall on someone’s face, you could ask, “How does that strike you?” When they go silent, the question might be, “What’s your opinion?” If you have a hunch that something didn’t land right, you might follow up with, “This is what I mean. What does it mean for you?” Intent matters, as does impact. Let’s get clear on both.
What words have surprised you because they aren’t as simple as you thought? I’d love to hear back from you.
Language and ideas are intertwined, and language shapes our interpretations of the world.
If “perception is reality,” so are our words, which have the power to both unite and divide us.